Everybody Ought To Have A Maid

Lyrics in Songwriting Example:
"Everybody Ought to Have a Maid" music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
(from the play A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum)
Songwriting Tools: double entendre, similes, alliteration, assonance

And now for something completely different... A marvelous, comedic song by Stephen Sondheim with a wonderful rhyming scheme. I decided to add this song to illustrate to my class how an essentially repetitive lyric can be spiced up with intelligent and clever rhymes so that the listener is always amused and never bored. Personally, I can listen to this song endlessly... as a matter of fact I do (believe it or not) as it happens to be one of my favorite songs to listen to while jogging -- the lyrics are engaging and amusing (makes me chuckle even when I'm gasping to catch my breath!), and the tempo is just right!

One more thing: I will note here that one of my students said to me that using this song as a sample of Sondheim's work is like saying that a typical Marlon Brando movie is Guys and Dolls. Point well taken -- but I will add here that Guys and Dolls is one of my all-time favorite plays/movies/soundtracks anyway! Sorry Marlon!

Now if you're not familiar with the A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, it's the story of a Roman slave, Pseudolus, and his attempts to win his freedom (see link below for more details). The 'lead singer' of "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid" is Senex, a Roman Senator, who is essentially a 'dirty old man'. (Pseudolus is owned by Senex's son Hero)

Here goes:

"Everybody Ought To Have A Maid"
Stephen Sondheim (music and lyrics)

Maids like me. I'm neat
I like maids. They're neat
Something no household should be without.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
To putter around the house.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a menial
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes, Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out, Sleeping in.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who you hire when you're short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse.

Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around the house!

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes, Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out, Sleeping in.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who in fetching you your slipper will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse.

Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Tittering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom--
Puttering all around the house!

A maid? A maid. A maid. A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a serving-girl,
A loyal and unswerving girl,
Whose quieter than a mouse

Oh, oh, Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been Traipsing about.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Living in, Giving out.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Daintily collecting bits of paper n' strings,
Appealing in her apron strings
Beguiling in her blouse

Pattering through the attic,
Chattering in the cellar,
Clattering in the kitchen,
Flattering in the bedroom,
Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!
The house!

A maid? A maid. A maid. A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse!

Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble, Mending her gown.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Cleaning up, Leaning down.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse.

Wriggling in the anteroom,
Jiggling in the living room,
Giggling in the dining room,
Wiggling in the other rooms,
Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!
The house!

Take note of all the wonderful internal rhymes (i.e. delicious, the dishes) and the rhymes in general (working girl, lurking girl; short of help, sort of help) as well as the use of double entendre (definition below). Not to mention the use of similies (i.e. quieter than a mouse, graceful as a grouse, neat as a pin, busy as a bumblebee), alliteration (i.e. consistently congenial, beguiling in her blouse), assonance (sweeping out, sleeping in), shall I go on?

Defintion:
Double entendre: a term with two meanings, especially when one of them has a risque or indecorous connotation


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (CD) with "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid"

1996 Broadway Cast Revival (with Nathan Lane)
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1996 Broadway Revival Cast)



1962 Original Broadway Cast (with Zero Mostel)
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum (1962 Original Broadway Cast)



Stephen Sondheim Links:
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum (1962 Original Broadway Cast CD)
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1996 Broadway Revival Cast CD)
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Wikipedia
Stephen Sondheim Wikipdia
Sondheim.com